Oh joy! a Golden Buckeye card for Christmas

What a lovely holiday gift. This month I received an invitation to join the “ranks of nearly 2.4 million Ohioans eligible for a Golden Buckeye card.” Wow! It’s party time. Thank you to the Ohio Department of Aging for reminding me that I’m an oldster—a senior citizen. Welcome to Club Gray. 

Santa Claus probably mailed my Golden Buckeye card in time for Christmas because I said he wasn’t real. Hilarious trick old guy. Will I find reindeer poop on my front porch? 

All Ohioans age 60 or older are eligible. There you have it. I’m getting ready to turn 60. Yikes! My wrinkles and thinning hair prove I qualify. In 40 years, I’ll be 100 years old. There’s my excuse for becoming a crabby old lady. 

Eventually aging catches up with all of us. No fountain of youth under the tree. Instead there’s a gift certificate for digital hearing aids and speedy hemorrhoid cream in our stockings. And what joker substitutes prune juice instead of the traditional rum-spiced eggnog. Not funny.  

And stop playing that song, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer. The grandkids are laughing and singing: “Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walking home from our house Christmas eve. You can say there’s no such thing as Santa, but as for me and grandpa we believe. She’d been drinking too much eggnog and we begged her not to go. But she forgot her medication and she staggered out the door into the snow.” So amusing. I’m putting lumps of coal in their stockings. Payback time. 

Enough with the novelty gag gifts for the elderly. I already have a redneck tree plunger—with artificial pine branches attached; a big-mouth toilet mug filled with candy canes; and a squirrel in underpants air freshenerEnough with the bathroom humor! And no more wacky holiday hats.

Here’s my Christmas wish list: a trip to Las Vegas with Wayne Newton show tickets, wine of the month club membership, and if you really want to splurge, a cruise around the world is the way to go. 

“You don’t stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing,” proclaimed George Bernard Shaw.

Put a kibosh on flannel nightgowns, magnifying reading glasses, and support hosiery. “Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese,” declared Billie Burke.

I’ll get holiday revenge by giving Claxton Fruit Cake—the traditional kind that substitutes as a door-stopper. It’s square not round—and heavy. “Under normal conditions, our cakes have a shelf-life of approximately six months.” That’s what their website says. www.claxtonfruitcake.com.

With the holiday shopping and entertaining season in full swing, the Golden Buckeye program reminds Ohioans that you’ll find some of the most unique gifts, party supplies, food and more for your holiday celebrations and gift giving at locally owned small businesses…Follow the Golden Buckeye program on Facebook for daily posts about participating businesses and other ways to save money. www.GoldenBuckeye.com.

The Ohio Department of Aging serves and advocates for the needs of Ohioans age 60 and older, as well as their families, caregivers and communities. Programs include home and community based long-term supports and services, as well as initiatives to promote health and wellness throughout the lifespan. 

Area Agencies on Aging coordinate local services and supports for older adults and people with disabilities in their communities. The Ohio Department of Aging provides funding to 12 area agencies, each serving a unique region of the state. Agencies use federal, state, local and community funds and contributions to provide supports to older adults living in their homes or in other settings of their choice. www.aging.ohio.gov.

But seriously, The Ohio Department of Aging is a necessary resource for the aging population. And old ladies like discounts, so I guess I’ll start using the Golden Buckeye card.

“The most important thing I can tell you about aging is this: If you really feel that you want to have an off-the-shoulder blouse and some big beads and thong sandals and a dirndl skirt and a magnolia in your hair, do it. Even if you’re wrinkled.” –Maya Angelou

Melissa Martin, Ph.D

Melissa Martin, Ph.D., is an author, columnist, educator, and therapist. She lives in Southern Ohio. www.melissamartinchildrensauthor.com.